I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
