I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
