Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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