Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
