I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
...so i touched it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
