I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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