How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
