I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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