he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize