Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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