I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
