I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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