Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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