Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize