So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
