genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
