1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
