the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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