that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
