when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
