Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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