i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
