You really coming over, don't trick.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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