I think I died a long time ago.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
