first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
