you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
