I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
