Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize