Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
