He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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