I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize