I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
