your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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