life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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