had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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