My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
