Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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