Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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