I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's shark week go big or go home
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
