Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
