Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
