I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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