I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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