I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
