I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
