i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
