next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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