wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize