this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
