My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
