I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
