He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
